London, 9 June 1870
MUCH CONVERSATION in fashionable salons of late has concerned that most wondrous invention, the electrical telegraphic transmitting-and-receiving engine, or ‘telegraph’ for brevity of terminology. In an effort to impart to our loyal readers the requisite degree of informed comment, we felt it incumbent upon ourselves to solicit the opinion of a savant possessed of acknowledged expertise in such arcane natural scientifical matters, and approached, most humbly, Sir Isambard Kingdom Perkins (Bart) BSc, PhD, FRS, Professor Emeritus at the Department of Electrovoltaic Studies at the University of Oxford.
“The electrical telegraphic transmitting-and-receiving engine, or, as I shall henceforth refer to it for reasons of brevity and clarity, the ‘telegraph’, is a most complex device typical of the cascade of miraculous inventions which prove that Man is, indeed, the highest of God’s multitude of creations,” elucidated the prodigious savant.
Explaining that the new ‘telegraph’ represented a prodigious advance upon earlier communicatory techniques, such as the shoutophore, in which lines of men spaced every fifty yards shouted the message to each other, Sir Isambard waxed lyrical of the communications revolution this powerful new technology has opened before Mankind’s very eyes. “We now survey,” he stated, with a not unseemly degree of scientifically motivated excitement evident in the jaunty angle at which he set his top-hat, “the vista of untold thousands of ‘telegraphs’ around the world forming an ‘Information Superior Railway’. This is unifying as never before our great Empire, as thousands upon thousands of telegraphic cables gird the globe, criss-crossing each other o'er land and ocean in an extraordinary mesh which some of my more irreverent colleagues have termed the ‘World Wide Crinoline’.”
However, a cautionary note was sounded by the esteemed moral campaigner, Mr William Booth Esq., who warned of the capacity for this miraculous invention to deprave and corrupt the moral fibre of the nation by facilitating the spread of confidence trickery, ribaldry and general beastliness. “Why, only this morning,” Mr Booth told us, the colour draining from his face, “I received several unsolicited telegrams, one purporting to be from a dispossessed Prince of Ruritania, humbly offering to pay me a thousand in sterling to help him transfer a hundred-thousand guineas from his embargoed bank account if I would only first of all wire him a hundred pounds, another that started, ‘There was a young man named Blunt,’ and worst of all, an offer to make my top-hat taller…!”
Showing posts with label porn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label porn. Show all posts
Wednesday, 9 June 2010
Thursday, 15 April 2010
Paedo-Priests
“Dawkins made me do it!” claim Catholic priests
Roy Ters: Thursday 15 April 2010, 12:07 BST
In the latest twist in the ongoing paedo-priest scandal rocking the Roman Catholic Church, a growing number of Catholic clerics are claiming that celebrity atheist Richard Dawkins personally forced them to fiddle with kids.
Speaking from his hiding place – the Church of St Xxxxx the Xxxxxxx in Xxxxxxxxx, Co. Xxxxxxx, Republic of Xxxxxxx – Father Pete O’Phile (not his real name) described his horrific experiences at the hands of the relentless God-non-botherer. Shaking with emotion, Father O’Phile said, “I was quietly polishing my chalice after a particularly vigorous choir practice, when I heard a sinister, lisping voice in my ear – ‘Look at that lovely choirboy over there, look at his innocent cherubic face, those blond curls, those luscious kiss-me-not lips’ – I turned around and there he was, Richard Dawkins, leering over me! Oh Jaysus, it was so horrible!”
Choking back his tears, Father O’Phile continued, “I tried to look away but it was too late. Before I knew it, Dawkins had pushed me up against the boy and grabbed my you-know-what and forcibly pushed it into that poor innocent lad’s mouth. It was disgusting, I felt sick to the stomach – I mean, he wasn’t even blond, he was ginger!”
Father O’Phile (not his real name) is not alone. In a completely different hiding place – the Church of St Xxxxx the Xxx Xxxxxxx in Xxxxxxxxx, Co. Xxxxxxx, Republic of Xxxxxxx – Father Pete O’Phile (yes, this time it’s his real name) showed me a photograph of Dawkins whipping him while he buggers a choirboy in the vestry. However, when asked why the head of ‘Dawkins’ appeared to have been crudely photoshopped onto a figure wearing a priest’s cassock, Father O’Phile became defensive and insisted that the image was 100% genuine and had been verified by the same Church investigative team which had recently authenticated forty-three tons of wooden splinters in Chile as being relics of The True Cross.
Lending moral support to their members’ claims, the Vatican has shifted from blaming Jews and gays to pointing the finger at atheists. Former Hitler Youth member Pope Benedict XVI backed his lads’ claims that arch Jehovah’s-ignorer Richard Dawkins was waging a one-man crusade against the Church.
Speaking from his modest, Michelangelo-designed apartment at the Vatican yesterday, the Pope shouted, in a surprisingly non-German accented tirade, “Dawkins? DAWKINS? That fucking slag? Don’t EVER mention that cunt’s name in my presence again or I’ll set the Spanish Inquisition on you! Now piss off.”
Roy Ters: Thursday 15 April 2010, 12:07 BST
In the latest twist in the ongoing paedo-priest scandal rocking the Roman Catholic Church, a growing number of Catholic clerics are claiming that celebrity atheist Richard Dawkins personally forced them to fiddle with kids.
Speaking from his hiding place – the Church of St Xxxxx the Xxxxxxx in Xxxxxxxxx, Co. Xxxxxxx, Republic of Xxxxxxx – Father Pete O’Phile (not his real name) described his horrific experiences at the hands of the relentless God-non-botherer. Shaking with emotion, Father O’Phile said, “I was quietly polishing my chalice after a particularly vigorous choir practice, when I heard a sinister, lisping voice in my ear – ‘Look at that lovely choirboy over there, look at his innocent cherubic face, those blond curls, those luscious kiss-me-not lips’ – I turned around and there he was, Richard Dawkins, leering over me! Oh Jaysus, it was so horrible!”
Choking back his tears, Father O’Phile continued, “I tried to look away but it was too late. Before I knew it, Dawkins had pushed me up against the boy and grabbed my you-know-what and forcibly pushed it into that poor innocent lad’s mouth. It was disgusting, I felt sick to the stomach – I mean, he wasn’t even blond, he was ginger!”
Father O’Phile (not his real name) is not alone. In a completely different hiding place – the Church of St Xxxxx the Xxx Xxxxxxx in Xxxxxxxxx, Co. Xxxxxxx, Republic of Xxxxxxx – Father Pete O’Phile (yes, this time it’s his real name) showed me a photograph of Dawkins whipping him while he buggers a choirboy in the vestry. However, when asked why the head of ‘Dawkins’ appeared to have been crudely photoshopped onto a figure wearing a priest’s cassock, Father O’Phile became defensive and insisted that the image was 100% genuine and had been verified by the same Church investigative team which had recently authenticated forty-three tons of wooden splinters in Chile as being relics of The True Cross.
Lending moral support to their members’ claims, the Vatican has shifted from blaming Jews and gays to pointing the finger at atheists. Former Hitler Youth member Pope Benedict XVI backed his lads’ claims that arch Jehovah’s-ignorer Richard Dawkins was waging a one-man crusade against the Church.
Speaking from his modest, Michelangelo-designed apartment at the Vatican yesterday, the Pope shouted, in a surprisingly non-German accented tirade, “Dawkins? DAWKINS? That fucking slag? Don’t EVER mention that cunt’s name in my presence again or I’ll set the Spanish Inquisition on you! Now piss off.”
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