Paedo-Priests

“Dawkins made me do it!” claim Catholic priests

Roy Ters: Thursday 15 April 2010, 12:07 BST

In the latest twist in the ongoing paedo-priest scandal rocking the Roman Catholic Church, a growing number of Catholic clerics are claiming that celebrity atheist Richard Dawkins personally forced them to fiddle with kids.

Speaking from his hiding place – the Church of St Xxxxx the Xxxxxxx in Xxxxxxxxx, Co. Xxxxxxx, Republic of Xxxxxxx – Father Pete O’Phile (not his real name) described his horrific experiences at the hands of the relentless God-non-botherer. Shaking with emotion, Father O’Phile said, “I was quietly polishing my chalice after a particularly vigorous choir practice, when I heard a sinister, lisping voice in my ear – ‘Look at that lovely choirboy over there, look at his innocent cherubic face, those blond curls, those luscious kiss-me-not lips’ – I turned around and there he was, Richard Dawkins, leering over me! Oh Jaysus, it was so horrible!”

Choking back his tears, Father O’Phile continued, “I tried to look away but it was too late. Before I knew it, Dawkins had pushed me up against the boy and grabbed my you-know-what and forcibly pushed it into that poor innocent lad’s mouth. It was disgusting, I felt sick to the stomach – I mean, he wasn’t even blond, he was ginger!”

Father O’Phile (not his real name) is not alone. In a completely different hiding place – the Church of St Xxxxx the Xxx Xxxxxxx in Xxxxxxxxx, Co. Xxxxxxx, Republic of Xxxxxxx – Father Pete O’Phile (yes, this time it’s his real name) showed me a photograph of Dawkins whipping him while he buggers a choirboy in the vestry. However, when asked why the head of ‘Dawkins’ appeared to have been crudely photoshopped onto a figure wearing a priest’s cassock, Father O’Phile became defensive and insisted that the image was 100% genuine and had been verified by the same Church investigative team which had recently authenticated forty-three tons of wooden splinters in Chile as being relics of The True Cross.

Lending moral support to their members’ claims, the Vatican has shifted from blaming Jews and gays to pointing the finger at atheists. Former Hitler Youth member Pope Benedict XVI backed his lads’ claims that arch Jehovah’s-ignorer Richard Dawkins was waging a one-man crusade against the Church.

Speaking from his modest, Michelangelo-designed apartment at the Vatican yesterday, the Pope shouted, in a surprisingly non-German accented tirade, “Dawkins? DAWKINS? That fucking slag? Don’t EVER mention that cunt’s name in my presence again or I’ll set the Spanish Inquisition on you! Now piss off.”