HolidAid

Haiti, Chile and others launch HolidAid

Roy Ters: Friday 23 April 2010, 17:14 BST

Heartrending scenes of British tourists trapped in disaster zones such as Heathrow, Gatwick, the Bahamas and Australia’s Bondi Beach by the Icelandic Ashcloud of Doom have prompted the bighearted people of Haiti, Chile and that Chinese town flattened by an earthquake recently to set up HolidAid, an appeal to help the poor bastards return home.

Standing outside the rubble of his dwelling in Haiti’s earthquake-shattered capital, Port-au-Prince, forty-year old Jean-Baptiste Laurent, an unemployed mango hacker, told of his anguish in seeing the tragic victims of the holiday cancellation disaster on the Red Cross television he shares with five hundred fellow quake victims. “When I saw those poor people trapped in airports, unable to go home, my heart ached for them,” he said, with a dignity that only a lifetime living in squalid poverty and shit can confer. “How they cope with only temporary accommodation in mediocre hotels and three hot meals a day I cannot understand. At least my Red Cross tent is permanent and I get a free bowl of rice every other day.”

Meanwhile, in Chile, Carmen Miranda (no relation) said, “The Lord God himself, He cry when He see these poor travellers trapped in Heathrow and Gatwick. When I think of them I cry too, and if my mother, father and brothers hadn’t been killed in the earthquake, why, they would cry with me.” Fifteen-year old Carmen, currently working as a prostitute with her younger sister to make ends meet while her shattered town is rebuilt, went on to say, “Those poor people, they have nothing to do, they can only sit around all day watching the television. Luckily, I can keep myself busy giving businessmen handjobs.”

It is stoic and selfless people such as Jean-Baptiste, Carmen and some Chinese bloke we couldn’t understand in another earthquake-flattened town, who have been the galvanising force behind HolidAid, a new charity set up to help the wretched victims of the Holidaycalypse. Thanks to their efforts, and the generosity of other groups such as the New Orleans Flood and Indian Ocean Tsunami survivors, the first tragic victims of this unprecedented event have been able to return home from Heathrow and Gatwick airports by bus and even, in some cases, train.

At Gatwick, there were scenes of indescribable relief as the first HolidAid bus arrived to collect stricken victims of Holidaygeddon and return them to their far-flung homes, some as far away as Watford. Kevin Dagenham, a fifty-year old father of four, broke down and wept with relief as he described their horrific experience. “Me and the missus, right, and the kids, right, we was meant to be flying to Majorca, right, but then the Icelandic Ashcloud of Terror threw us into what I can only describe as chaos, right!?”

For over one night he and his family were forced to sleep in the main Gatwick terminal before being transferred to a Horrible Inn hotel for another six nights. He shuddered as he relived the scenes of chaos and horror that descended as some trapped would-be holidaymakers cracked under a strain never before seen in human history and almost turned to cannibalism when the airport's restaurant concessions ran out of pizza, fried chicken, and lightly-toasted ham-n-cheese panini by lunchtime on the first day. Fortunately, I didn't have to put up with any more of his intolerable whining and bleating as the HolidAid bus arrived in the nick of time to pluck him and his family from Biblical scenes of hell to return them to far-flung Romford.

Meanwhile, the people of the Bahamas and Australia’s Bondi Beach, among other places, have also donated generously to HolidAid, one bighearted Australian quipping through gritted teeth, “I’d pay anything to get those whinging Pommy bastards out of here!”

Daily Mail Irony Failure

The Daily Mail. Words which generally induce ennui and nausea.

But their latest assault on Nick Clegg amuses me. Partly because it's utter bollocks. I could discuss the shameless dog-whistle politics, the buffoonish Little Englander nature of it, and much else besides, but others have analysed this far better than I could (be arsed to).

No, what amuses me - and it's a minor point, I freely concede - is their use of the term 'ironic' in this excerpt:

Mr Clegg, who has a Spanish wife, a Dutch mother and a Russian grandparent, began his career as a Brussels bureaucrat and moved to Westminster after a spell as a Euro MP.

Ironically, his mother was interned by the Japanese during the war.

In what sense was the internment of his Dutch mother by the Japanese 'ironic'?

If she had been interned by the Dutch - now, that would have been ironic.

Or if she had been Japanese and interned by the Japanese - that would have been ironic as well.

I can only conclude that to the Daily Mail, the thought of any foreigner being interned by any other foreigner is ironic because they're all basically interchangeable. Dutch, Japanese, German, Polish, Burmese, Peruvian, Congolese, Martian, they're all the bloody same.

On the other hand, if we want to talk about 'ironic', I can think of few better illustrations than Tory defence minister wannabe Liam Fox berating the Ministry of Defence's carelessness in allowing laptops to be stolen, thus endangering Our Boys, only to (carelessly) leave his own laptop in the back of his car - which was then stolen last night from outside his home...

Getting back to the Daily Heil's strange concept of 'ironic', in case those devious bastards there notice their error and correct it, here's a shot of the relevant page:


Perceptive readers may notice the gorgeous, pouting figure of Tory grandee Nicholas 'Grandson of Winston Churchill' Soames on the right, which I have included purely so that I can gratuitously wheel out this old anecdote...

Many moons ago, an old flame of Soames remarked that sex with him was like having a wardrobe topple over onto you with the key still in the lock.

Careless Tory Bids to be Defence Secretary Shocker!

The central London home of Tory defence secretary wannabe Dr Liam Fox has been burgled and his car pinched - with his laptop still inside:
Beeb Report

What I want to know is this: what the fuck was he doing leaving his laptop in his car? Was he too lazy to carry it indoors? Or too forgetful?

Either way, the man isn't fit to be defence secretary of the United Kingdom - imagine if he had been in office and this happened. What secrets might ne'er-do-wells thus glean? Detailed deployment charts of Our Boys in Johnny Arab Land? The launch codes of our luvverly shiny Trident missiles, to be flogged to the highest bidder? The mind boggles at the mischief such rank ineptitude might engender!

Of course, Dr Fox is not without form in this area, as can be seen from his forthright condemnation of the Ministry of Defence's sloppiness in allowing laptops to be, er, pinched:
Another Beeb Report

Dr Fox, for the Tories, said the incident showed "incompetence, mismanagement and poor procedures" on the part of the authorities.

He said it was potentially more damaging than HM Revenue and Customs' loss of 25 million people's child benefit details.

"Clearly we don't know what risks will be faced by those on the databases - it will depend on whose hands it has fallen into," he said.

"But to put our troops and the public at risk in this way is unforgivable because this seems like a systemic failure, not a single act of incompetence or irresponsibility."

Dr Fox said some 68 MoD laptops had been stolen in 2007, 66 in 2006, 40 in 2005 and 173 in 2004.

"What on earth is going on? How much information on our service personnel is floating around out there? Most importantly, why has nothing been done about it?"

We can only hope that Dr Fox's carelessness was merely 'a single act of incompetence' and not evidence of 'a systemic failure'...

Meanwhile, McTodd Hates! backs the defence secretary wannabe's fearless campaign against sloppiness putting Our Boys At Risk by allowing laptops to be pinched and says: "Sack these careless bastards NOW!"

Paedo-Priests

“Dawkins made me do it!” claim Catholic priests

Roy Ters: Thursday 15 April 2010, 12:07 BST

In the latest twist in the ongoing paedo-priest scandal rocking the Roman Catholic Church, a growing number of Catholic clerics are claiming that celebrity atheist Richard Dawkins personally forced them to fiddle with kids.

Speaking from his hiding place – the Church of St Xxxxx the Xxxxxxx in Xxxxxxxxx, Co. Xxxxxxx, Republic of Xxxxxxx – Father Pete O’Phile (not his real name) described his horrific experiences at the hands of the relentless God-non-botherer. Shaking with emotion, Father O’Phile said, “I was quietly polishing my chalice after a particularly vigorous choir practice, when I heard a sinister, lisping voice in my ear – ‘Look at that lovely choirboy over there, look at his innocent cherubic face, those blond curls, those luscious kiss-me-not lips’ – I turned around and there he was, Richard Dawkins, leering over me! Oh Jaysus, it was so horrible!”

Choking back his tears, Father O’Phile continued, “I tried to look away but it was too late. Before I knew it, Dawkins had pushed me up against the boy and grabbed my you-know-what and forcibly pushed it into that poor innocent lad’s mouth. It was disgusting, I felt sick to the stomach – I mean, he wasn’t even blond, he was ginger!”

Father O’Phile (not his real name) is not alone. In a completely different hiding place – the Church of St Xxxxx the Xxx Xxxxxxx in Xxxxxxxxx, Co. Xxxxxxx, Republic of Xxxxxxx – Father Pete O’Phile (yes, this time it’s his real name) showed me a photograph of Dawkins whipping him while he buggers a choirboy in the vestry. However, when asked why the head of ‘Dawkins’ appeared to have been crudely photoshopped onto a figure wearing a priest’s cassock, Father O’Phile became defensive and insisted that the image was 100% genuine and had been verified by the same Church investigative team which had recently authenticated forty-three tons of wooden splinters in Chile as being relics of The True Cross.

Lending moral support to their members’ claims, the Vatican has shifted from blaming Jews and gays to pointing the finger at atheists. Former Hitler Youth member Pope Benedict XVI backed his lads’ claims that arch Jehovah’s-ignorer Richard Dawkins was waging a one-man crusade against the Church.

Speaking from his modest, Michelangelo-designed apartment at the Vatican yesterday, the Pope shouted, in a surprisingly non-German accented tirade, “Dawkins? DAWKINS? That fucking slag? Don’t EVER mention that cunt’s name in my presence again or I’ll set the Spanish Inquisition on you! Now piss off.”