Minister Outed As Lying Bastard Quits Government

Roy Ters: Tuesday 1 June 2010, 11:14 BST

In a totally unsurprising development at the weekend, David Laws, the Liberal Democrat Secretary for Cuts in the Coalescence Government, was outed as a lying Tory bastard. His subsequent resignation was the least he could do, sources said.

His outing came as no surprise to anyone who had heard of him, however, as rumours had been rife in the Westminster village for years that Laws, an intensely secretive man, had flirted with Toryism. The signs were there from the start: public school, an obsessive interest in money, an obscenely lucrative banking career with Goldball Sacks, an even more obsessive interest in money, and millionaireism by puberty.

What clinched it for anyone with a modicum of intelligence, however, were Laws’s contributions to Liberal Democrat Supremo-in-Waiting Chairman Nick Clegg’s Little Orange Book in 2004. In two essays for the book, Laws advocated reducing the role of government to beating up poor people for not trying hard enough, and selling the National Health Service to an animal experiments laboratory in Milton Friedman New Town.

In a stomach-turningly moving interview at the weekend, after being rumbled and resigning, Laws stated that his upbringing as a fully-rounded member of the human race made it difficult for him to come to terms with his Tory tendencies. He had struggled for years to keep his Toryism a secret from his friends and his family, particularly his mother, and with the arrogance that being a Tory confers he had always assumed they were too stupid to notice.

However, Laws’s long-term relationship with arch-parasite James Nomates, a political lobbyist, proved to be the catalyst for his outing at the weekend. Simpering tributes to Laws were paid by Matthew Parris, another Tory bastard, his partner Julian ‘Not that Julian Glover’ Glover, and the increasingly-going-downhill Grauniad’s political egghead Michael White who, you would think, really should know better.